Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
