I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
