I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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