Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
