I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Congratulations! We have a period
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
