I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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