maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
