Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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