I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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