Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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