just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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