I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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