if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
