Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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