he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
