when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she peed on how many people?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize