Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
