just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
