I think I died a long time ago.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
