It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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