Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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