I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
