I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
