I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize