when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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