maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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