there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
