just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
