I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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