its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
