im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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