Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
