Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
