in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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