I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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