we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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