i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I need to calm my uterus...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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