if i died would you start the facebook group?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
