Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
