There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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