Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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