please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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