Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
