i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
