I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
