Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
