I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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