Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
