Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
