Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
