2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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