She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
