i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
