woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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