walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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