i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
