A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
