'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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