sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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