I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
