Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
