just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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