1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
