sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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